If you suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, how many doctors/psychiatrists have told you that your disorder is untreatable, and that you will live with the implications for the rest of your life? How many romantic partners have been “scared off” because of the intensity of your emotions? Are your family members confused on how to “understand” you, treating you as if you’re a mystery or a complex puzzle to solve?

Individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD for short) are frequently misinterpreted as being manipulative, overly sensitive/reactive, and attention-seeking, when most of the time these individuals are just trying to be seen and heard. Many adults with BPD receive ongoing messages throughout their early adult years of being “too much”, specifically in regards to emotional outbursts, disproportionate reactions, and relationship needs.

One of the most common triggers of BPD is perceived rejection or abandonment, usually from a romantic partner or loved one. Once triggered, an alarm system goes off in the mind and body of the person with BPD, warning them of an impending affliction. Immediately they are in survival mode, making any effort they can think of to avoid the suffering and pain that follows separation from a loved one. These extreme efforts to avoid abandonment often show up as inappropriate anger or disproportionate reactions.

What BPD Might Look like in Interactions with Loved Ones

Note: Below is an example of an interaction that may happen between someone with BPD and their romantic interest. This is one example of how BPD can show up in relationships; however, it is important to remember that BPD symptoms and behaviors can look differently in different individuals.

Riley: I’m excited to see you tonight!

Peyton: Me too! Also, I’m so sorry but I totally forgot I told my friend I would meet them at 5, so is it okay if we push dinner back an hour or two?

Riley: (initial thoughts) Why didn’t they prioritize our date? Who is this friend and why do they like them more than me? Do they even care about me anymore? If they really loved me then they would show up on time for our date and maximize our time together. If the roles were reversed, I would never put them through this.

Riley: Why don’t you care about me?

Peyton: I do care about you, I promise, but I totally spaced and double booked myself tonight. I still want to see you, it will just be like an hour or two later.

Riley: This really hurts. You always tell me how much you love me, but right now I don’t feel like you do.

Peyton: I’m sorry, I didn’t realize it would hurt you, I thought you would be more understanding.

Riley: I don’t think I want to do our date tonight anymore.

Peyton: I don’t understand…it doesn’t feel like that big of a deal.

“It’s Not That Big of a Deal”

In this situation, Riley is triggered when Peyton has to push back plans, and this causes her to begin spiraling into a thought loop that Peyton has lost all care and love for her. Due to her fight or flight response, she leaves the situation entirely by canceling the date.

Peyton feels that pushing back the time on a date is unproblematic and socially acceptable, and is completely caught off guard when Riley reacts with such intensity and pushback. She feels attacked and wrongly accused. She knows with certainty that she didn’t do anything wrong and feels that Riley is overreacting. She pulls away, feeling nervous about getting this type of response from Riley again.

“Identify your triggers, Reframe your narratives and Communicate openly & honestly”

Tools for Someone with BPD

So, how does someone with BPD explain their disorder with a romantic interest or partner? What can be done to sharpen communication with a loved one and prevent episodes?

Identify your triggers. Once you can understand the general themes that hurt you, it becomes easier to prevent emotional episodes. If you know that not getting a text back is a trigger for you, the control is back in your hands.
Reframe your narratives. Since a significant part of BPD symptoms involve the perception of rejection or abandonment, this is good news; it means you can perceive the situation differently. Instead of assuming your partner doesn’t care or doesn’t love you, it might be helpful to state facts only, and express the painful feeling by naming, “I’m having the thought that my partner doesn’t care about me.”
Communicate openly and honestly. Be direct and upfront about what you need in a relationship with careful consideration of your triggers. Choose your partner wisely, as it is important to be with someone who is patient and understanding and is dedicated to learning about BPD and understanding you on a deeper level.
Make a safety plan. If you are triggered to the point of a pain so excruciating that you feel you cannot survive it, you are not alone. According to research from the University of Michigan, the brain processes rejection in the same way that it processes physical injury. Reach out to the King County Crisis Clinic at 866-427-4747 or reference our website for more crisis resources.
Engage in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) to gain skills on managing and regulating emotions effectively. DBT worksheets/workbooks can be found online or in bookstores. Also, the Borderline Personality Disorder workbook by Daniel Fox includes step by step guidance on how to understand and manage BPD symptoms. Another resource can be to find a therapist who specializes in working with individuals who suffer from BPD.

Tools to Support Someone with BPD

Educate yourself on the disorder and ask questions. Finding clarity on what your partner or loved one may need and learning more about their experience with BPD are the first steps in supporting them.
Patience. Understand that these relationships may not function the way a typical relationship dynamic would. It will take time to build trust and communication within this relationship.
Create and maintain boundaries. Know your emotional capacity and practice identifying when you have reached your limits. Communicate your boundaries to your partner during a calm, secure moment in the relationship so they can know what to expect moving forward.

How BPD can be regulated & managed within a relationship

As a follow up to the Riley and Peyton situation, future implications may include:

Riley expressing her emotions with “I’m having the thought that ____” or “I am perceiving this action as rejection so I’m having a hard time feeling cared for” and asking for a specific alternative need, such as reassurance or some sort of compromise from Peyton
Riley reframing the narrative of Petyon “not caring” by stating facts only and staying away from judgements or assumptions. (ie. Peyton is showing up later for our date. Peyton is telling me she cares about me.)
Peyton increasing her patience with Riley and giving her time to manage and regulate her emotions, with the understanding that Riley needs to put in extra work to regulate her emotions.
Peyton learning more about the symptoms and challenges of BPD to get to a place where she can hold compassion for Riley’s emotional intensity rather than minimizing her feelings

If you have BPD and/or this blog posts resonates with you, and you feel you need some extra support, please feel free to reach out for a list of providers that specialize in care for individuals with BPD.

Work Cited

Study illuminates the 'pain' of social rejection. University of Michigan News. (2011, March 25). Retrieved October 13, 2022, from https://news.umich.edu/study-illuminates-the-pain-of-social-rejection/

Reducing the Stigma of Borderline Personality Disorder