Finding and Maintaining Friendships in Adulthood

Was making friends easier for you through childhood and teenage years than it is as an adult? Are you struggling to make connections that feel authentic and long-lasting?

Are you feeling isolated and craving community and connection but feeling uncertain about where to start or how to meet new people?

It is common for people to struggle with making and keeping friends once they hit their 20’s and on. Oftentimes we grow up with “built-in” friends, or people we see and can connect with on a regular basis throughout grade school, college, organized sports, music or art groups, etc. But once you finish your highest level of education and enter the workforce or start living on your own, it can become difficult to find people similar in age with shared interests. On top of finding friends, it takes an extra level of effort to maintain these friendships.

Here are some common hindrances to finding and maintaining friendships in adulthood:

Aligned availability/managing multiple schedules- Everyone has different jobs or careers with different schedules, and it can be difficult to find overlap in time, especially with a group of friends.

Adult responsibilities- People are busy, adulthood sets in, responsibilities persist, our jobs take up most of our time, and in some situations social plans become less of a priority.

Relationships/marriage- Romantic relationships can sometimes detract from an individual’s capacity or availability to connect with others.

Kids- Once someone has kids, their schedule and priorities drastically change and their main focus and energy goes towards their family.

Long distance friendships- After college, many people will move to a different city or state to start their life somewhere new. If several of your friends move to a different place, it can feel lonely and isolating, especially during that adjustment period. Long distance friendships also tend to require extra effort, planning, and intentional continued contact.

Social anxiety- This is probably one of the most common reasons people struggle to “put themselves out there” and make new friends. Making new friends requires vulnerability which can feel intimidating and distressing for many of us.

So, how can we overcome some of these issues and increase our motivation to make new friends and uphold existing ones?

Below are some small steps that might nudge you in that direction:

Maintaining friendships

Plan social hangouts in advance, and set that time aside in your calendar. This way, you can ensure that you are not double-booking and that you and your friend(s) can secure a plan to look forward to.

Shift some priorities. If nurturing individual friendships and maintaining a strong social community feels important to your health and wellbeing, there is nothing wrong with moving that higher in your priority list. Look at your calendar and think about the events of your day and week. What can give? What do you want to see more of? Which types of activities elicit more social interaction?

Make an effort to get to know your friends’ inner communities, such as their partner, other friends, kids, coworkers, etc. It is still important to set aside ample one-on-one time with your friend, but including other people from their life for some activities might open up opportunities to spend more time with your friend while also widening your own social circle.

Set aside time to call or FaceTime your friends in other cities and states. Write letters to each other, send each other music, make shared playlists and google documents- get creative with ways to stay in touch in addition to calling and texting.

Forming new friendships

Be intentional about going out and trying new things. Check out sites like Eventbrite and Meetup and search for events you'd be interested in (e.g. improv, comedy, networking, etc) in your area. Bumble BFF can also be a source for new friendships.

Identify the places you enjoy going to and become a “regular”. Try new restaurants, coffee shops, comedy clubs, gyms, classes, etc. around town. You will start seeing the same people, and this may increase your comfort level with getting to know them.
Keep an open mind with your social community at work. Encourage yourself to start conversation with different coworkers and see who at work you may relate to.

Know you are not alone in this challenging search for new friends. Many adults crave friendship and community but struggle to find it. By taking the first step to make a new friend, it is likely you will stumble upon someone who is also longing for connection.

Next Steps

If you are feeling isolated and struggling to find community after entering adulthood, you can always reach out to schedule an appointment with one of our providers for extra support. Especially if you are someone who deals with social anxiety; it could be beneficial and empowering to talk to someone about it and start to work through thoughts that might be holding you back. You can schedule with one of our providers here

Finding and Maintaining Friendships in Adulthood