Relationship Conflict and Resolution - From a Gottman Perspective

The short-lived honeymoon phase

You meet someone, you find shared interests and values, you start to trust them, you introduce them to your family and friends, you build a strong connection, and it feels like nothing could ever come between the two of you. Although differences exist between you and your partner, they feel insignificant and ultimately create a healthy balance in the relationship. Eventually, these differences clash in a way that triggers hurt from one or both of you, and an uncomfortable sense of tension temporarily enters the dynamic. It feels scary and unfamiliar, and ultimately you and your partner are faced with your first test on conflict resolution.

The prevalence of conflict within relationships

At some point, every relationship reaches a point where some level of disagreement or conflict comes up. The walls come down for each partner and reality hits. Even with couples that claim they “don’t ever fight” or couples that function similarly and have a lot in common, conflict is inevitable. It can either damage or strengthen the connection, depending on how it is handled and what the next steps entail. Psychology professor Dr. John Gottman and his wife, Julie Gottman developed a theory that explains some common responses to conflict and how certain behaviors can contribute or detract from a healthy relationship. 

What is the Gottman Method?

The Gottman method is an approach to conflict resolution that organizes negative, harmful behaviors into four main categories, coined ‘The Four Horseman’: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. According to John Gottman, founder of the practice, every unhealthy response to conflict falls somewhere under these four categories. Following this approach can help  reduce the amount of destructive behaviors that perpetuate conflict and make it harder to find repair. It pushes you to look inwards and reflect on your personal approach to conflict. 

The Four Horseman

• Criticism- Criticism in relationships usually involves highlighting faults or shortcomings in your partner and judging them by making generalizations about their personality or nature. When something your partner does or says hurts you, it’s important to address the behavior and not their character. 

Examples of criticism:

“I hate how jealous you are, you are such an insecure person.”

“I wish you weren’t so needy.”

• Contempt- This involves creating power dynamics during arguments to prove your point and belittle or degrade your partner. This usually involves some level of sarcasm, patronizing, or mocking, with intentions to make your partner feel inferior. Contempt also includes passive aggressiveness, which is an indirect, roundabout way of communicating anger and dissatisfaction through hidden messages. 

Examples of contempt:

“I just think it’s funny that you still talk to your ex. It just makes me laugh.”

“Oh sorry, am I allowed to talk? I don’t want to disturb your peace.”

• Defensiveness- This involves deflecting responsibility for your actions, usually through denial or justification. Defensiveness is usually a response to criticism including the avoidance of accountability and a refusal to see your partner’s point of view. 

Example of defensiveness:

“I wouldn’t have to yell at you if you just did your dishes.”

“None of what you said was even true. I didn’t do anything wrong but you’re making it seem like I’m the bad guy.”

• Stonewalling- This involves shutting down out your partner during conflict, and can look like abruptly walking out of the room during conflict, becoming silent, using body language to turn away from your partner, or anything of this nature. It tends to escalate your partner’s frustration, causing even more tension. 

So, what constitutes a healthy relationship?

Similarly to identifying aspects of a relationship that can be destructive, Dr. Gottman also discusses the factors that contribute to a healthy, supportive relationship dynamic. Applying these values within the relationship will naturally dissipate the prevalence of hurtful or disparaging behaviors.

• Building Love Maps- Thoroughly understanding one another’s inner and outer world, emotional experiences, and significant life events both from the past and in the future

• Sharing Fondness and Admiration- Expressing gratitude, appreciation and respect on a consistent basis

• Turning Towards Instead of Away- Building a safe environment in which each partner’s needs and experiences are validated, encouraging collaboration and teamwork even during times of conflict
  Positive Perspective- Assuming one another’s best intentions and approaching conflict from a solution-oriented and constructive lens

• Managing Conflict- Understanding that conflict is a part of any relationship and handling relationship issues with care and intention

• Supporting One Another’s Life Dreams- Creating an uplifting and encouraging environment within the relationship and holding your partner’s goals and dreams with high regard 

• Creating Shared Meaning- Find overlap and commonalities in the narratives and visions of the relationship

• Trust- Aligning words and actions, maintaining consistency, and acting as a reliable source for your partner

• Commitment- Full engagement and investment in the relationship shown through actions

If you would like to learn more about cultivating healthy relationships or build skills for a healthier relationship, feel free to reach out and schedule a consultation with one of our providers by clicking here.